I know I haven't written in awhile. It will be a huge deal for me to keep up with this on a regular basis because I am so bad about starting things and not finishing them. The past three days have been busy but progress has been made. I didn't make it to my VR appointment Wednesday due to my period starting Tuesday but luckily I got another appointment in yesterday which I think went well and hopefully I will be getting a job soon here in the next few months!

I have been getting out and doing things. Yesterday I also visited an old friend, Aaron on top of the Vocational Rehab appointment and riding my bike 15 mile. Speaking of which I rode 22 today and 6 on Thursday. I am so beyond excited because this will be the first season I have picked back up this sport at the start of the season not half way through and I am really proud of that because I will get a chance to improve so much more.

I guess that's really all the news for now, I'll keep you posted!

The flying fish

The first Valentine's day I didn't feel alone even though I was single

February 14, 2011
I went to the VR and had 4 1/2 hours of testing done some reading, math, spelling, a few questions were asked about history and IQ. I ended the day at the VR taking a true/false booklet that I am guessing is supposed to help determine whether or not I really have bipolar like I have said so we can go on with the rest of the process in trying to find a job.

After the VR I came home then went to NAMI with my parents. I really enjoyed splitting into groups-mainly because it gave me the opportunity to talk with this guy who comes to NAMI occasionally who seems to have it put together. However I know in the back of my mind that NAMI wouldn't be the place to find someone to go on a date with. I guess I just long for someone who understands who will be there. I long for someone who gets it and maybe just someone, anyone at all. But I am trying to not let "just anyone" into my life right now unless I am sure they are positive in my recovery.

Anyway I kind-of broke down on the 14th and 15th even though yesterday all I did was go see my psychiatrist being stuck in 5:00 traffic-stopping and going-really got my anxiety worked up. I think these past two days have been a lot more busy than I am used to- I mean I know they have been. I guess it really upsets me because I have been craving days like these past two days that are filled with things to do and places to be but once I got it I couldn't handle it. I know none of this is helped by the fact my period started on the 14th but I still can't see how I am so close yet so far at times. That is one of the things I hate most about having bipolar it's almost as if the moments I am doing well make me think I am there and I am good to go for awhile then the next thing I know crash I am literally on the floor in the kitchen crying not knowing what to do again.

I don't know? Dr. P has increased my Triliptal a bit so hopefully that will help.

I'll keep you posted!
The Flying Fish

Chains locked, chains broken, and being set free

The past two days I have ridden 16 miles on my bike. The weather has been so beautiful and I have really enjoyed the exercise. Over the past 5 days I have taken my dogs on a walk. And today I finished narrowing down my Facebook friends to people who have my best interest at heart and who I really consider friends.

The past week has been one of the best weeks in months. I know I had the upset with my mom earlier this week but we got through it and I didn't fall apart and I didn't need a pill to make myself feel better during those moments.

I went to church today and I plan on going everyday that my dad goes to the9:00 service. The reading really reached me today and hit me very close to home. It shed some light on what it meant when the Bible says even saying a man is a "Fool" is sinful. Nancy explained being tied to people you have ill will towards(like being chained to them) Makes it hard to see God. It makes it hard to accept Jesus. And that makes total sense if you have something or someone unhealthy chained to you and in your heart why you wouldn't be able to walk with someone so clean, pure, and loving.

I have broken a few chains. I have made a few new ones. But in time I think those chains will be severed the older I get, the more I get to know myself and become comfortable with myself, the more I accept who I am and the people who I surround myself with.

All of which I am making strides towards. All of which I am capable of. This week is the start of some happy days and happy times to come, I just know it.

I'll keep you posted,
 The Flying Fish

Eight months

I use to think that eight months was a long time-even six months because that was half a year. But that seemed long then because it was the longest time I had spent with a person on a romantic level. That was a long time because I wanted it-during those moments-to be the first and only long time I would spend with anyone. I wanted that to be it. Just eight months and I was about to give my forever away, just eight months and I gave my love and heart away, just eight months and I thought I had legitimate reasons to say he was the one and only- but little did I know those eight months in the broad scheme of things were no time at all.

I look back now, seven months away from James' and my break up and A LOT has changed. A lot has happened. I have grown  A LOT for these seven months of time, but these seven months-even though hard-haven't been a long time. Maybe a long ride, a necessary pain on certain levels but it has ONLY been SEVEN months. A month short of eight. But it seems like just yesterday I was checking out of Old Vineyard. It seems like just yesterday I was getting my act together. Just yesterday I was in love with you. Seven months is not a long time when you are thinking in terms of forever and lifetimes. I am not the person I was seven months ago, not even the same person I was two weeks ago.

I have heard a phrase I would like to share, "Time doesn't heal all wounds, it's what you do with the time." In these past seven months I have done a lot with my time. But in those short eight months-I did nothing. I became nothing. And I was treated like nothing. Now I am something, someone and I have gained my life back.

Never again. The walls are up now and heavily guarded. The soldiers are armed and ready.

I'll keep you posted,
the flying fish 

Easily carried away

My last post is a great description of how someone with bipolar can get easily swept away with their emotions. I just wanted to briefly express that the day was tiring but in the end my mom and I were able to identify the "function" of our emotions. We were able to communicate how we were feeling after some tearshed and go along with the rest of the day with a positive attitude.

Because we were both worn out and today had taken a tole on us we decided to go out to eat sushi and unwind. Afterward we stopped by family video and rented a few movies. I really think communication is key on both ends if you are dealing with mental illness. Harnessing your emotions and suppressing your feelings can result it moments like what happened with my mom and me today. We had both been trying so hard to walk on egg shells around each other that today just took our feet out from under us.

I'll keep you posted,
The flying fish

Where's the love?

I am so tired of fighting. More so tired of getting yelled at over the slightest things. I may not have been in wise mind in the past but most of the time mom and I get going at it I am...or at least today I was minus the thousand times of hurt I feel for constantly feeling like everything I do is wrong in spite of all the progress I have made. I still say sorry at the end of what seems like every sentence.

Today started off bad. Once again I was left stranded without my car because mom's car is still breaking down constantly. I had plans to wake up when I felt like it and go cruising on the country roads with Buddy with the windows down since it has been so pretty the past couple of days. Mom needed to run errands. I offered to take her in my car so afterwards I could keep my car and go about my day as planned. I was willing to get out of bed and get ready so she could go right then. But, no she wanted to drive dads car so she could have a car.

Looking back on it now as I am writing this I really don't think it was too much to ask for me to drive her. But my response when she wasn't willing to compromise(since it was my car they were involving in the plan and I wasn't saying don't do what you need) I can see why I lost my cool. Because it is now almost 3 and mom's back and dad's car is just sitting there and probably wont even be used until he gets back anyway. Anyway, in spite of me now not feeling so bad and feeling like I had every right to have a say in the matter I had called mom before she got home to do what? ONCE AGAIN apologize for everything that happened this morning. I don't see that as being healthy ANYMORE. I feel like I may have been upset(but everyone gets upset) but I was completely rational in my thinking to offer up driving so I could have my car. It is mine. I paid for half of it.

Anyways you would think that would be bad enough but when she gets home she explains her mouth is hurting. I listened and thought to myself of all the times I was hurting or emotionally in a bad place my parents offering to walk up the street with me to either get my mind off of my problems to to distract me. I said about 3 times why don't we go walk up the street. I wasn't trying to pester. I wasn't begging because I had already just gotten back from doing that very thing and I didn't necessarily need to walk up there again, but I was trying to encourage, and be supportive like they had been with me in the past. The next thing I know she is yelling at me. I don't think I raised my voice all I could do was bow my head and once again have my feelings hurt because the slightest thing ticked mom off and once again I was in the cyclical thinking that everything I do is wrong even when I am not in emotion mind, even when I am trying to help. Mom has been the one getting in emotion mind over the slightest things and the only reason I have been reaching that point is in the irrational upset that I am constantly wrong for everything. Why would I NOT think I was wrong if everything I do is somehow provoking a reaction to have her raise her voice or yell at me like I am a child or as if I wouldn't understand if she just stated IN WISE MIND clearly without completely rejecting the idea that I have worked so hard to show everyone that I have changed which also means that maybe they can go about changing the ways which they respond to me. Maybe in the past it took yelling to get points across. But, now all the yelling is doing is eating at my self esteem, hurting my feelings, making me feel like I am wrong about everything and in a sense holding me back in the hard process of trying to gain more confidence. I am not responding by listening, I am responding by hurting. Mom thinks that I push her buttons by making her feel like a bad parent, well maybe she should try a little harder not to push mine by making me feel like and insignificant daughter who can only be reached by raising her voice or making me constantly feel like I am wrong when I wasn't the one who started the fight and the yelling to begin with. I just bow my head and feel awful. Talk about a blow to your confidence, talk about a blow to your self esteem, talk about a blow to everything I am trying so hard to build back up.

How can I be hardend or confident if never given the chance to become less sensetive because I am always being broken down?

Minus the pain today has been good. My bed is made, the dogs have been taken care of and walked and I am dressed and out of bed.

I'll keep you posted.
The Flying Fish

A New Day and the Changes it Brings...

Today was a good day. Nothing really to go in huge detail about. I didn't make it to DBT Group today because there was a huge wreck on the highway that shutdown 85 South. So, I kinda just hung out today. My friend came by and it just reminded me of how much I have changed since James-how much I have changed since July.

I hate that for some reason July seems to be one of those redefining moments in my life because it is definitely something I am not very proud of. But, it really gave me the opportunity because I was at such a raw state to really change my life around and I don't think I would have ever been given that opportunity otherwise. Or maybe I wouldn't have been as willing to make the needed changes.

-I no longer use sex as a coping skill or way to make me feel good about myself
-I no longer pick up smoking cigarettes when life throws in it's punches
-I don't fall back into hardly any of my old negative patterns
-I have been taking on more responsibilities like cleaning the house and feeding/watering/walking the dog
-I don't pop a pill when life gets rough during the day because I have skills
-I am not as co-dependent on friends/parents/boyfriends
-I now have walls guarding my heart and I am not falling in love with the first fish that bites.

If you are a person dealing with any of these issues or know a friend or family member that is-know it is really hard to make these changes. Sometimes you don't even know that you need to until something happens and it really does change your view on life. I wish I could say it was easier or it has been easy-but the truth is I have had to learn on my own the hard way-but I am so glad I did.

I'll keep you posted
The Flying Fish

Goooood Morning America!

Last night I went to bed, and one of the many thoughts that I let race through my head before I fell asleep was, "Tomorrow IS going to be a GOOD day!"

I wake up today and WAHLAH! I hope out of bed at 9:45 have some coffee and get things done!

I started out with getting the trash ready to take outside.
I picked up my room(which really just meant getting the laundry all over the floor downstairs and started in the wash)
I took the cloths that had been needing to be folded for about a week now upstairs and folded them after making my bed.
I took care of the dogs, let them out and fed them before letting them out again.
I picked up our living area and the kitchen.
Took a shower
And then finally took the trash out!
I logged everything I did in my calender/journal.

and here I am with everything that I had somehow been unable to do done and I got it all done in less than one hour because like I have said before, when I am good I AM GREAT.

The trick is to keep this up for as many days as I can mentally. Not to mention if you stay on top of your cleaning it isn't as overwhelming a thing to do when the piles aren't a mile high, so in those terms I'd guess you'd be more willing to get them done on a daily basis. And not only that but it is now almost 11:30, everything is done(except maybe a work out session) I have the rest of the day to do whatever I want GUILT FREE.

I'll keep you posted!
The Flying Fish!

Motivation is Killing Me

Today was a hard day. Not from the standpoint of being anxious or revved up. It was hard because for some reason I felt so unmotivated. There are plenty of things that need to be done around the house and in my room, not to mention the fact that I really need to start working out again so that I don't go up a pants size before the wedding.

I don't get it. I see very clearly the things that need to be done and the things I want to do. Or even need to do, like eat or get dressed. Yet, I am paralyzed. It seems and I have heard this no motivation to be a sign of depression, but I am not sitting there crying or "terribly" on the surface upset about anything.

Back when I was dating Martin he suggested making to do lists. That worked for awhile. I could try that again. Some days I just have to go with it. But on days like today all I want to do is to be able to power through it. I wont get anywhere just letting my illness keep me from daily life. And that is exactly what it is doing right now, with the motivation in my head, with the anxiety like I felt over the weekend. I can't live like that, like this. Or my biggest fears will come true and I will truly get nowhere in life.

Until next time,
The Flying Fish

I can't run--I can't hide

I am finding that my relationships have suffered because of my illness. There was a time when I had many friends however they weren't good for me. So, I dropped all of them. I moved around schools a lot while still living in the same town, in the same house, on the same street. I was always looking to start over because my past haunted me. The people I hung out with weren't good for me. But, no matter where I moved I now realize I can't move far enough to escape my illness. Reality is it will follow me everywhere I go.

I have been on this kick that getting out of Concord would help me. Away from the streets I pass which are plagued with thoughts and emotions I felt: days, months, years ago. I guess I now realize I have to face these demons so my road somewhere new wouldn't be infected as well.

I need to learn to forgive myself. I don't think I have ever really tried. I still hold my self accountable. I have never wanted to use my illness as an excuse or something to blame when things went wrong. I have been saying over the years the things I said and did weren't me. But, how can that be? No one else was making me. No one else can account for those things. I can't place blame. It was me. And now I have to forgive myself. I feel like I wont be able to move on until I do, mentally for physically. Unless I want Concord and memories of the past to remain a dark graveyard haunted by the person who knows my fears best, myself.

I just wish I had some friends. Some people who were truly my friend. Not to benefit themselves or in hopes to watch me crash and burn and live to tell about it. I was genuine friends. People to do things with that I like, things we share and have in common. I am so lucky that even though we don't see eye to eye all the time that I have such a loving and supportive family. If I didn't have that I would truly have nothing. At all, literally.

Thank you God for the family I have. If you are a person with a family member living with this or any other disorder remember they need your love, support, and kindness always. Hopefully this will help you understand.

Until next time,
The Flying Fish

looking up

My sister came to town this week to train for a National MS Society Walk with my mom and aunt and the rest of her team members. They were supposed to be taking mom's car but it broke down yesterday afternoon. I was having major anxiety yesterday about getting them to Statesville since my dad is out of town and they didn't have a car to get there. But, after talking to my sister and mom I decided I would give it a try.

It drives me nuts because before the Klonopin decrease I had already dealt with these fears. Back when I had just gotten out of the hospital it was a lot like this. My self-esteem and self confidence had shriveled up into practically nothing and I was constantly worried about everything but I thought I had built some of that back up. Even so, I found myself catastrophizing how the day would go today. I had anxiety and fear that I would "freak out" or "have a melt down in front of everyone" not to mention I wasn't in shape enough to do the whole thing with everyone so I was worried about being embarrassed stopping while everyone else was going.

Luckily today was a huge success. I managed to get up at 7:00 this morning, have my coffee and go with my mom and sister. It wasn't so scary this morning. On the way there I had to pee like 3 times I was so nervous But other than that I managed to stay in wise mind. I am not trying to give you TMI but I read in a NAMI brochure that sometimes if you are on certain medications you tend to pee a lot more than normal. (at least for some of the bipolar medications)

I wasn't able to walk very far. I managed to not get too low about that while waiting in the car for them to finish up. I ended up sleeping in the back seat for about 30 minutes and after that I just listened to music. I use some of my distraction coping skills by fiddling around with my smart phone and the apps I had on there like facebook, pandora, and foursquare.

Some other good news came my way in an email I got from the group leader from my Monday night NAMI meetings. They gave me some dates about Peer to Peer training. Peer to Peer is a mentor program offered by NAMI to get help by someone who is also living with mental illness get back on their feet. I also was told that they were hoping to get a website and newsletter started so I sent David an email mentioning to him that I was very interested in helping him out with that as well.

I am looking forward to keeping up this online blog and hopefully that as well so that I can start filling up the blocks in my day because I am coming to find while distracted and involved and busy during the day it leaves me less time to get lost in my thoughts.

Until next time.

The FlyingFish

Diving in

A lot has been on my mind here lately.

After deciding to come off of the Klonopin, the withdrawals I dealt with and sometime still seem to be dealing with, I come to find I am getting lost in my thoughts. I have seen great benefit and better quality of life being off of the medication but now I am remembering why I was put on it in the first place because the "racing thoughts" are back.

I love the clearness of being off the medication. Remembering what happened at 9:00 this morning, being able to laugh again and feel happy and easy going enough to joke around. But, without being involved in the day or distracted by it, I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into depths of my mind. Thinking new things, remembering old things none of which at this moment in time are happy thoughts. I feel like I am being swallowed whole. I say that because I find it hard to get out and break loose because in those moments I feel like there isn't a way until I find the next distraction, I have in essence been swallowed whole and the thoughts keep on coming.

I feel as if I will never find the right medication cocktail, it seems like it's either too much or not enough. I have been in individual therapy and DBT(Dialectical Behavior Therapy) since mid to late August and now it is February. That's seven months and during that time I am seeing the benefit and the positive outcome good counseling can do for a person because for so long that has been a missing piece in the equation of my treatment. Therapy over the years with a therapist that won't do anything other than nod her head got me nowhere and I am starting to realize that was the cause and the reason behind my stay at Old Vineyard in July.

But, even the drastic changes I have made in my life since then and the success I have had over these past few months can't stop my thoughts from taking flight into other parts of my mind I wish they would never find or revisit. And, even knowing all I know and even coming away with a better sense of myself I find that I am still struggling so hard to be where I am. I don't think it should be this hard. And sometimes I feel like I am not cut any slack because of the improvements I have made. It's like being both the worst student in class and the best student in class at the same time. I score high marks on a test and they curve the grades. There is a side that feels robbed in that scenario and part of me feels like I am just an annoyance because I am not better when people think I should be better by now. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and everyone else feels that same way.

I haven't touched on this much but a lot of this has to do with July and the attempt I had on my life. I know people remember that. But, I don't believe they take that into account when I am only seven months away from that period in my life. The fact that I am sitting here writing this is a big deal. I was serious, and sometimes I still am when it feels like no one will ever understand fully and I will never get where I want to be in life because the bipolar is holding me back like a weight that is dropping me deeper and deeper into the sea as I drown in my emotions.

But there are better days. They come in two's and three's and it makes me wonder why some days I can't get out of bed. I lay there knowing I am capable yet I somehow managed to be paralyzed in that moment and I can't get out. Somehow I need to find a way to reset my expectations. Because when I am good I am great, beyond great. I just want to see more of that.

My sister asked why can't I just be? My response was I can't "just be" like this. It is unacceptable to me. I have to get better.