I can't run--I can't hide

I am finding that my relationships have suffered because of my illness. There was a time when I had many friends however they weren't good for me. So, I dropped all of them. I moved around schools a lot while still living in the same town, in the same house, on the same street. I was always looking to start over because my past haunted me. The people I hung out with weren't good for me. But, no matter where I moved I now realize I can't move far enough to escape my illness. Reality is it will follow me everywhere I go.

I have been on this kick that getting out of Concord would help me. Away from the streets I pass which are plagued with thoughts and emotions I felt: days, months, years ago. I guess I now realize I have to face these demons so my road somewhere new wouldn't be infected as well.

I need to learn to forgive myself. I don't think I have ever really tried. I still hold my self accountable. I have never wanted to use my illness as an excuse or something to blame when things went wrong. I have been saying over the years the things I said and did weren't me. But, how can that be? No one else was making me. No one else can account for those things. I can't place blame. It was me. And now I have to forgive myself. I feel like I wont be able to move on until I do, mentally for physically. Unless I want Concord and memories of the past to remain a dark graveyard haunted by the person who knows my fears best, myself.

I just wish I had some friends. Some people who were truly my friend. Not to benefit themselves or in hopes to watch me crash and burn and live to tell about it. I was genuine friends. People to do things with that I like, things we share and have in common. I am so lucky that even though we don't see eye to eye all the time that I have such a loving and supportive family. If I didn't have that I would truly have nothing. At all, literally.

Thank you God for the family I have. If you are a person with a family member living with this or any other disorder remember they need your love, support, and kindness always. Hopefully this will help you understand.

Until next time,
The Flying Fish