Diving in

A lot has been on my mind here lately.

After deciding to come off of the Klonopin, the withdrawals I dealt with and sometime still seem to be dealing with, I come to find I am getting lost in my thoughts. I have seen great benefit and better quality of life being off of the medication but now I am remembering why I was put on it in the first place because the "racing thoughts" are back.

I love the clearness of being off the medication. Remembering what happened at 9:00 this morning, being able to laugh again and feel happy and easy going enough to joke around. But, without being involved in the day or distracted by it, I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into depths of my mind. Thinking new things, remembering old things none of which at this moment in time are happy thoughts. I feel like I am being swallowed whole. I say that because I find it hard to get out and break loose because in those moments I feel like there isn't a way until I find the next distraction, I have in essence been swallowed whole and the thoughts keep on coming.

I feel as if I will never find the right medication cocktail, it seems like it's either too much or not enough. I have been in individual therapy and DBT(Dialectical Behavior Therapy) since mid to late August and now it is February. That's seven months and during that time I am seeing the benefit and the positive outcome good counseling can do for a person because for so long that has been a missing piece in the equation of my treatment. Therapy over the years with a therapist that won't do anything other than nod her head got me nowhere and I am starting to realize that was the cause and the reason behind my stay at Old Vineyard in July.

But, even the drastic changes I have made in my life since then and the success I have had over these past few months can't stop my thoughts from taking flight into other parts of my mind I wish they would never find or revisit. And, even knowing all I know and even coming away with a better sense of myself I find that I am still struggling so hard to be where I am. I don't think it should be this hard. And sometimes I feel like I am not cut any slack because of the improvements I have made. It's like being both the worst student in class and the best student in class at the same time. I score high marks on a test and they curve the grades. There is a side that feels robbed in that scenario and part of me feels like I am just an annoyance because I am not better when people think I should be better by now. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and everyone else feels that same way.

I haven't touched on this much but a lot of this has to do with July and the attempt I had on my life. I know people remember that. But, I don't believe they take that into account when I am only seven months away from that period in my life. The fact that I am sitting here writing this is a big deal. I was serious, and sometimes I still am when it feels like no one will ever understand fully and I will never get where I want to be in life because the bipolar is holding me back like a weight that is dropping me deeper and deeper into the sea as I drown in my emotions.

But there are better days. They come in two's and three's and it makes me wonder why some days I can't get out of bed. I lay there knowing I am capable yet I somehow managed to be paralyzed in that moment and I can't get out. Somehow I need to find a way to reset my expectations. Because when I am good I am great, beyond great. I just want to see more of that.

My sister asked why can't I just be? My response was I can't "just be" like this. It is unacceptable to me. I have to get better.