I am so tired of fighting. More so tired of getting yelled at over the slightest things. I may not have been in wise mind in the past but most of the time mom and I get going at it I am...or at least today I was minus the thousand times of hurt I feel for constantly feeling like everything I do is wrong in spite of all the progress I have made. I still say sorry at the end of what seems like every sentence.
Today started off bad. Once again I was left stranded without my car because mom's car is still breaking down constantly. I had plans to wake up when I felt like it and go cruising on the country roads with Buddy with the windows down since it has been so pretty the past couple of days. Mom needed to run errands. I offered to take her in my car so afterwards I could keep my car and go about my day as planned. I was willing to get out of bed and get ready so she could go right then. But, no she wanted to drive dads car so she could have a car.
Looking back on it now as I am writing this I really don't think it was too much to ask for me to drive her. But my response when she wasn't willing to compromise(since it was my car they were involving in the plan and I wasn't saying don't do what you need) I can see why I lost my cool. Because it is now almost 3 and mom's back and dad's car is just sitting there and probably wont even be used until he gets back anyway. Anyway, in spite of me now not feeling so bad and feeling like I had every right to have a say in the matter I had called mom before she got home to do what? ONCE AGAIN apologize for everything that happened this morning. I don't see that as being healthy ANYMORE. I feel like I may have been upset(but everyone gets upset) but I was completely rational in my thinking to offer up driving so I could have my car. It is mine. I paid for half of it.
Anyways you would think that would be bad enough but when she gets home she explains her mouth is hurting. I listened and thought to myself of all the times I was hurting or emotionally in a bad place my parents offering to walk up the street with me to either get my mind off of my problems to to distract me. I said about 3 times why don't we go walk up the street. I wasn't trying to pester. I wasn't begging because I had already just gotten back from doing that very thing and I didn't necessarily need to walk up there again, but I was trying to encourage, and be supportive like they had been with me in the past. The next thing I know she is yelling at me. I don't think I raised my voice all I could do was bow my head and once again have my feelings hurt because the slightest thing ticked mom off and once again I was in the cyclical thinking that everything I do is wrong even when I am not in emotion mind, even when I am trying to help. Mom has been the one getting in emotion mind over the slightest things and the only reason I have been reaching that point is in the irrational upset that I am constantly wrong for everything. Why would I NOT think I was wrong if everything I do is somehow provoking a reaction to have her raise her voice or yell at me like I am a child or as if I wouldn't understand if she just stated IN WISE MIND clearly without completely rejecting the idea that I have worked so hard to show everyone that I have changed which also means that maybe they can go about changing the ways which they respond to me. Maybe in the past it took yelling to get points across. But, now all the yelling is doing is eating at my self esteem, hurting my feelings, making me feel like I am wrong about everything and in a sense holding me back in the hard process of trying to gain more confidence. I am not responding by listening, I am responding by hurting. Mom thinks that I push her buttons by making her feel like a bad parent, well maybe she should try a little harder not to push mine by making me feel like and insignificant daughter who can only be reached by raising her voice or making me constantly feel like I am wrong when I wasn't the one who started the fight and the yelling to begin with. I just bow my head and feel awful. Talk about a blow to your confidence, talk about a blow to your self esteem, talk about a blow to everything I am trying so hard to build back up.
How can I be hardend or confident if never given the chance to become less sensetive because I am always being broken down?
Minus the pain today has been good. My bed is made, the dogs have been taken care of and walked and I am dressed and out of bed.
I'll keep you posted.
The Flying Fish
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