My sister came to town this week to train for a National MS Society Walk with my mom and aunt and the rest of her team members. They were supposed to be taking mom's car but it broke down yesterday afternoon. I was having major anxiety yesterday about getting them to Statesville since my dad is out of town and they didn't have a car to get there. But, after talking to my sister and mom I decided I would give it a try.
It drives me nuts because before the Klonopin decrease I had already dealt with these fears. Back when I had just gotten out of the hospital it was a lot like this. My self-esteem and self confidence had shriveled up into practically nothing and I was constantly worried about everything but I thought I had built some of that back up. Even so, I found myself catastrophizing how the day would go today. I had anxiety and fear that I would "freak out" or "have a melt down in front of everyone" not to mention I wasn't in shape enough to do the whole thing with everyone so I was worried about being embarrassed stopping while everyone else was going.
Luckily today was a huge success. I managed to get up at 7:00 this morning, have my coffee and go with my mom and sister. It wasn't so scary this morning. On the way there I had to pee like 3 times I was so nervous But other than that I managed to stay in wise mind. I am not trying to give you TMI but I read in a NAMI brochure that sometimes if you are on certain medications you tend to pee a lot more than normal. (at least for some of the bipolar medications)
I wasn't able to walk very far. I managed to not get too low about that while waiting in the car for them to finish up. I ended up sleeping in the back seat for about 30 minutes and after that I just listened to music. I use some of my distraction coping skills by fiddling around with my smart phone and the apps I had on there like facebook, pandora, and foursquare.
Some other good news came my way in an email I got from the group leader from my Monday night NAMI meetings. They gave me some dates about Peer to Peer training. Peer to Peer is a mentor program offered by NAMI to get help by someone who is also living with mental illness get back on their feet. I also was told that they were hoping to get a website and newsletter started so I sent David an email mentioning to him that I was very interested in helping him out with that as well.
I am looking forward to keeping up this online blog and hopefully that as well so that I can start filling up the blocks in my day because I am coming to find while distracted and involved and busy during the day it leaves me less time to get lost in my thoughts.
Until next time.
The FlyingFish
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