Today was a hard day. Not from the standpoint of being anxious or revved up. It was hard because for some reason I felt so unmotivated. There are plenty of things that need to be done around the house and in my room, not to mention the fact that I really need to start working out again so that I don't go up a pants size before the wedding.
I don't get it. I see very clearly the things that need to be done and the things I want to do. Or even need to do, like eat or get dressed. Yet, I am paralyzed. It seems and I have heard this no motivation to be a sign of depression, but I am not sitting there crying or "terribly" on the surface upset about anything.
Back when I was dating Martin he suggested making to do lists. That worked for awhile. I could try that again. Some days I just have to go with it. But on days like today all I want to do is to be able to power through it. I wont get anywhere just letting my illness keep me from daily life. And that is exactly what it is doing right now, with the motivation in my head, with the anxiety like I felt over the weekend. I can't live like that, like this. Or my biggest fears will come true and I will truly get nowhere in life.
Until next time,
The Flying Fish
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